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I was reminded of this post after watching a friend’s video regarding how people have lost a sense of who they are in the face of the pandemic.
I wrote this on my old blog back in 2013, years after 9/11. The entire subject of how we define ourselves, is pertinent for today and I hope encouraging knowing we have the capacity to rise above and even redefine ourselves if necessary.
I spend about 80% of my time alone. It is not something I choose, but it is the hand I have been dealt for the last 10 months or so. I have always been a bit of a loner I suppose. I was the youngest of four children and often a pain. The one that everyone else had to feel some responsibility for. Again, a situation not of my choosing. I adjusted to being alone. I learned at an early age how to entertain myself. As I sit this morning and gaze out the window, I realize my tendency to label myself. My first labels: the baby, a loner, quiet, shy. Funny how I never chose the label self-sufficient.
As I grew up my siblings went in their own chosen directions and eventually, I became the last child at home. Being the last child at home (label: only child) meant…
I think that no one can write about depression better than someone who has experienced it first hand. I was introduced to the band Blue October by my daughter who was a huge fan. Many of their songs were centered around Justin Furstenfeld’s battle with mental illness and addiction. His songs were both lyrically and musically evocative.
Justin Furstenfeld formed the band in 1995 along with his brother Jeremy and Ryan Delahoussaye. The group hailed from Houston, Texas. They first appeared on the late night television circuit promoting their 2006 album “Foiled” performing the song “Hate Me” which would also qualify for this prompt.
”Into the Ocean” along with “Hate Me” were huge hits from the album “Foiled” all three reaching platinum status. Many fans credit Justin Furstenfeld with saving their lives with the lyrics from the song “Into the Ocean”.
Justin struggled with depression and bipolar disorder most of his life. He also struggled with addiction and the combination of the three may have inspired his song writing but they also led to a mental anxiety breakdown. He was hospitalized in October 2009 after his first wife revealed she was in love with another man.
Today, he talked candidly of his struggle with mental illness and addiction. When his second wife was pregnant she confronted him — either get help or they were done. The following day he heard the same from his band. He checked into a rehab facility in Nashville. After 75 days of treatment, he was released and went home to witness the birth of his daughter whom he credits with saving his life.
I’m just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I’d rather swim ashore
Without a life that’s sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like ‘fourteen miles away’
You’re floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I’m sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I’m cold as cold as cold can be
be
I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now…come down
Let the rain come down
Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I’m sunk, I’m left behind
I’m treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)
Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I’m reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space
I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now…come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It’s midnight’s late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean…end it all
[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now…come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Remember I told you my daughter was a huge fan of Blue October? Well, back in my EARLY days experimenting with making jewelry, she challenged me to make earrings for her to wear to a Blue October concert out of Blue October picks. The earrings survived but are a little worse for the wear. She sent me this picture this morning to include in my post.
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