I Know Who I Am

Day 190

I am firm in my convictions. I know what I believe and I do not waiver. I am open to listening to other people’s ideas and thoughts and am willing to consider other ways of thinking, but my basic instincts have never changed. The way I feel about people and how we should treat one another has not changed since I was a little girl — and that was a very long time ago.

Several times of late, friends have come to me asking me how I can be so understanding or so accepting. They want me to explain how I can feel the way I do. How did I reach my conclusions? Did I ever consider I could be wrong in my thinking? What did I do when I found out so and so was this or that. It is perplexing to me.

I mean, I feel like I feel. When I see someone hurt, I feel empathy. I see us all as people — deserving of equal treatment and consideration. I may disagree and I may share my ideas if asked, but I don’t think I would ever consciously try to convince someone to think the way that I do.

My mother always told me that if I was doing something wrong or treating someone poorly, I would feel it in my gut. That’s always been my guide. After all, we do know when we make mistakes even though we sometimes willingly push those thoughts aside.

It is confusing to me — the idea of accepting someone or something that just simply is. How is it possible not to accept what is? Maybe it’s the idea of acceptance that is confusing.

How can I tell someone how I am me?

At my core, I have a set of morals — I don’t know if I was born with them or if I learned them, but it is who I am. I think we all must have a particular moral code or set of values or ideals — I just know I cannot be anyone else’s moral compass. That’s a lot of pressure. I cannot tell you how to be you. I can’t even tell you how I am me. That’s a journey we all must take for ourselves, I think.

I believe people can change if they choose to do so. I have changed many times in my life. I’ve been in difficult circumstances and I have made mistakes. But those are circumstances. I can honestly say that the core of what I believe and how I see people has never changed. I have never understood hate — especially fear-based hate.

I am open to listening and sharing my experiences, but in the end, I can only be me.  I am in no position to tell anyone else how to build a belief system or how to love or how to accept. It’s ingrained in me and I don’t know how or why.

I’m human and I get angry and frustrated and disappointed with people — we all do. But it doesn’t result in me changing my basic philosophies of life.

This is a rambling post and maybe tonight it is just for my own benefit as I try to unravel and understand the complexities of how we come to believe what we believe.