SoCS – Internal Dialogue

Linda seems to have had a rainy Friday. I hope it was better than our rainy Thursday – we received almost five inches of rain in 24 hours.

Check out Linda’s blog if you want to join in – just check out the rules and the contribution of other bloggers.

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “run.” Use it as a noun, a verb, use it any way you’d like. Enjoy!

After reading Linda’s prompt I found myself having some interesting internal dialogue.

”Today, I’m going to run to Target.”

”Are you crazy?”

”No, i feel totally safe since yesterday was the end of my two week vaccination waiting period. I’ll still mask up of course.”

”Seriously? You are going to run to Target? I doubt that.”

”Yes. I know I still need to be careful because people are still going to run amuck with no masks.”

”There you go again. No one is running. They are walking or driving, but no one is running and that includes you.”

”Are you saying my grammar is lacking?”

”I don’t know. Look it up.”

“I can’t do that. I must write stream of consciousness. No research allowed.”

“Ok. Fair enough. So you are going to drive to Target, not run. Where you feel safer because of the vaccine.”

“Whatever. Yesterday our county opened up the vaccine to every age group. Lots of people have received their second shots. I wonder how many will run a fever like I did.”

”I give up.”

“I think you should chill out. Let’s have a cup of coffee. I wonder what time Target opens? I need to run by Costco and fill up my car.”

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Letting Go

Day 124

How do you let go of what no longer serves you? I see a lot about this subject especially in the ongoing Marie Kondo frenzy. Letting go is so much more than cleaning house, or downsizing, or de-cluttering. It is an act of knowing yourself well enough to have the courage to believe there is something richer on the horizon.

I can pack things up and take them to charity, but if the essence of those things still weigh me down, then all I have accomplished is making space in my closet or my cabinets. Letting go requires a little soul-searching and a lot of opening our hearts and minds to what lies ahead.

I am a sentimentalist. I cling to tactile things that hold memories for me. The thing is, I am also guilty of holding onto things that trigger unpleasant memories just because it was a gift. This year when packing up my Christmas decorations, I finally let go of a music box I have held onto for 15 years. It was a gift from a very close friend who one day just decided the friendship was over. Every time I saw it, it brought back those bad memories rather than the joy of the initial gift. So, I packed it up and took it to a favorite charity thrift shop. I am hopeful someone will stumble upon it in the thrift store and it will again regain its joyful energy.

I am confident and content in who I am. Confidence is a blessing and the result of many long years of feeling unworthy. I quit wearing makeup 10 years ago after a lifetime of feeling like I looked terrible without it. (My mother warned me that would happen, but I didn’t listen of course.) So one might ask, why did I still have makeup in my bathroom drawer? If I look closely, maybe it’s because there might be an occasion when I would need it. Need it?

Learning to listen to our internal dialogue serves us well. Yesterday I threw it all out with the exception of a tube of lipstick that I love and an eyebrow pencil. No more reminders of the woman who felt she didn’t measure up unless she was ‘made up’. I kept two things I love because I love them. Nothing else sparked joy for sure!

I have also let go of other’s expectations and in many ways, my own expectations of who and what I should be in this phase of my life. I am excited to let the days unfold and I find myself enjoying every little morsel. Yesterday I noticed the camellias were blooming outside the guest room window. It is not unusual for this time of year when we have a sudden warming trend. I love seeing them knowing it won’t be long before the squirrels find the blooms and devour them.