Blog, Death, Fear, intimacy, loss, trust

Intimate Trust

Day 106

“You are going to die.”

At some point, many of us will hear those words. We will come face-to-face with preparing for our life to end. It may be a long process or it may be a matter of days or weeks. It will be the day we acknowledge that everything we have known for all the years of our life will one day just stop.

I think there is an intimate trust one develops when facing death. It may be with a complete stranger, a family member, a dear friend, or a caretaker.

The person who cares for your mental and physical needs may see you in a way that, in life, we never wanted to be seen. When we reach the time we cannot physically care for ourselves, we must relinquish control of every need to someone else.

There are all sorts of more materialistic plans such as getting our affairs in order, but I am talking about the caring of body, mind, and spirit.

Sometimes we carry burdens we have buried deeply for years and years. There may be a need to finally speak those things and free ourselves from the weight of them.

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There is such responsibility of being the person held in such regard. To hear the anger, fears, regrets, and sometimes secrets of someone’s life is a statement of the most intimate trust.

Hospice nurses always talk about the life review occurring near the very end of death. If there is trust, the vulnerability of one’s life may be shared much earlier–if there is trust.

When someone holds your hand and looks into your eyes, you can feel their need to be freed from what weighs them down.

It can be hard, especially after the person passes. You may feel you have possession of something important and may not know what to do with it.

I have found it is easier to think of this as the reading of the most precious biography. A book crafted with the intimate and personal details of life. It is a story that holds you in its embrace. But at some point, the story comes to an end and the book is closed.

You may always remember the poignant parts of the book but it is not your story and the last chapter has been written. All you can do is be thankful you bore witness to it all.

 

 

Blog, loss

Tomorrow

Day 94

I am tired and drained and mentally and physically exhausted. Lots of texts with family on the drive back home. I also had a nice chat with a friend tonight and a short video-chat with my daughter and her family.

It is time to get back to the business of living, but all that keeps running through my head is …tomorrow…

Tomorrow I will start my new normal.

For now, I just listen to music and think…

Blog, loss, Love, memories, mother

Remembering

Day 93

The time is ripe for looking back over the day, the week, the year, and trying to figure out where we have come from and where we are going to, for sifting through the things we have done and the things we have left undone for a clue to who we are and who, for better or worse, we are becoming. But again and again we avoid the long thoughts….We cling to the present out of wariness of the past. And why not, after all? We get confused. We need such escape as we can find. But there is a deeper need yet, I think, and that is the need—not all the time, surely, but from time to time—to enter that still room within us all where the past lives on as a part of the present, where the dead are alive again, where we are most alive ourselves to turnings and to where our journeys have brought us. The name of the room is Remember—the room where with patience, with charity, with quietness of heart, we remember consciously to remember the lives we have lived.”
Frederick Buechner

Today Mom had a beautiful memorial service. Our hearts were touched by those who remembered her so fondly and with such love. We are tired and at a loss but as I told her in her last few days with us, we will be okay. Not the same, but okay.

Tomorrow we go home and I am sure grief will come and go like unexpected rain showers. We will think back about the time before this day and we will remember.

Godspeed, Mama.

 

Blog, loss, Love, memories, mother

Feeling Unsettled

Day 92

img_1735Tomorrow is Mom’s memorial service. The last fifteen days have stretched out like months yet it seems like only yesterday we were all sitting in our kitchen just shooting the breeze.

I cannot believe how fast these last 22 1/2 years have flown by since we first met. So much has happened, yet it seems like it was only yesterday that we met for the first time at a little place on Kennebunk Pond, ME. It was there she told her son that she didn’t think I cared that much for him. We laugh about it now.

We became good friends in those 22 1/2 years.

The next 24 hours will be difficult and tearful but yet full of fond remembrances. We wish we could have had you with us longer, but that is always the way. We always think we have more time.

But time ticks away. Every breath another moment passes. Another moment we can never have back.

Live, love and laugh fully and completely. Say I love you more. Let things go and take more pictures. Write a note instead of always calling or texting. There will come a time in all our lives we all wish we had done more of all these things.

 

 

 

blessings, Blog, christmas, Family, Home, loss, Love

Merry Christmas

Day 82

Our Christmas has been very quiet which is what we had planned. It was our first Christmas without Mom.

I had plans to write about many of my Christmas memories, but that will wait until next year. For now we are recalling other memories and staying in the moment.

Last night was harder somehow. That’s the hard thing about grief — you never know what will bring you face-to-face with the reality of the loss.

We enjoyed seeing our 16 month granddaughter on video with her gifts and sharing calls and texts with family. Such good reminders about the joy of living the life we have been given.

Now we are going to drive down to our daughter’s house to enjoy a little family time. We are not the only people in this family that has experienced loss.

I hope your day has been joyful spent with people you love and care for.

Merry Christmas 🎄🎁