Blog, Journey, meditation

Meditation – A First for Me

Day 175

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Meditation is something I have always felt I could not do. I’m not sure why. I have many friends who meditate religiously and they find it centers them and clears their heart, mind, and soul.

I have my time for prayer and I guess maybe I did not really understand the difference. What could clearing my thoughts do for me? How would it benefit me? I had a very lengthy exchange with a good friend several years ago about meditation. Still, I did not take that first step. Until yesterday.

I am trying to take the steps recommended by Kyle Cease in his “Love Rising” videos. I cannot tell you why, but at the end of the 4th video, I knew I was in.

Yesterday afternoon I tried meditating for the very first time. I found myself in tears for most of the time (I only managed 45 minutes.) This is when I realized I had been living my life with a constant sense of loss.

This morning I set my clock for an hour earlier than my normal wake-up time. I sat up in my bed and meditated for a full hour. I cannot adequately explain what happened in that time other than to say I felt my brain was testing me. I went through almost every friend I’d ever had since grade school and struggled to remember their names. My mind kept saying, “what’s her name” and eventually, the names all came to me.

I do not know how this is going to serve me, but there must be a reason. Today I had more energy than I have had of late. I accomplished so much and even managed to clean the weeds from all my flower beds and my raised garden. Perhaps it’s a coincidence — we will see.

I am tired now and ready for bed. My clock will be set and I will meditate again. I do not know what to expect, but I am going to keep showing up.

Goodnight all.

 

 

Blog, Journey, loss

The Beginning of the End — Saying Goodbye to my Old Story

Day 174

I had a revelation today.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have been watching videos from Kyle Cease’s series entitled “Love Rising”. Today I finished the 4th of 8 videos which is equivalent to one day at one of his events.

I am not an over-eater at the Self Help buffet, but I do partake from time to time. I learned about Kyle Cease from a friend who has attended his events and as a result has continued to work with him over the last year or so. Her growth has been amazing and I was always happy for her, but never considered taking part myself.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend gifted me access to Kyle’s “Love Rising” videos. I am here to honestly say this gift has impacted me in a way I never thought possible.

Today was a breakthrough for me. I was living my old story and its name was loss.

As a result, today I am starting the process of shedding my old story. I am no longer living a life of loss. Yes, I have had a great deal of many types of loss in my life, but I was letting it define me. I was living in this space of loss and never fully present in the now. How could I possibly achieve my goals and dreams of tomorrow if I could not free myself from the losses of my past?

I actually had a lot of happiness and joy in my life but it was always punctuated with loss. I have carried all those losses with me for my entire life. The feelings are complex, so I will just share my takeaways.

  • Releasing does not mean forgetting.
  • Love is always here.
  • I am more than the losses I have experienced.
  • I do not want to grieve because that means I am acknowledging the loss is permanent.
  • If I let go and say goodbye, I am afraid I will be alone, even though I am surrounded by people who love me.
  • It is okay to live my life and be happy.
  • Will I feel guilty if I pursue my dreams?
  • Is the fear of failing greater than the joy of succeeding?

I wanted to share this as a way to keep myself accountable. Life is full of hurdles and for me, they have been much easier to cross than what it has taken for others. How can I possibly live small when everything in me wants to live large?

It takes faith and trust and vulnerability. And good music.

art, blessings, Blog, Journey, memories, music, new years, thankful

Looking Forward to 2019

Day 88

I am not a person who wants to put the year behind me. 2018 had tribulations and sorrows, but it also had so many beautiful gifts and valuable lessons. I will move on into the new year and will bring 2018 along with me.

Dreams and Goals

I am excited about what the new year will bring. I know that goals do not move toward me — I must move toward them. And that takes work and dedication and desire. I am ready to take on these tasks to arrive at the destination I hold in my mind.

2018 saw the achievement of many things, but nothing I had really carved out for myself. That is how I trust 2019 will be different. I am working toward something concrete and that work is bringing me great joy and freedom of expression.

Sacred Space

So as I move forward into 2019, I hold a sacred space for the past — for the joy, the laughter, the accomplishments, and the losses. They are all valuable to me. For you see, when you reach my age, you realize what you look back on is the sum your life. There is no changing it, but there can be acceptance and grace and determination for tomorrow.

If times were tough and you survived and came out on top — wow! If life was full of love and times to cherish — know you are fortunate. If you are still struggling, don’t give up — lean on those who love you — those who want to see you succeed.

My Wish

My wish for all of you dear readers is a more peaceful and tranquil world. A world where each of us has an equal opportunity to achieve our hopes and dreams. I wish for less violence and more love and understanding. I wish for health and well being for each of you. But most of all, I pray you will find love and joy in your life.

Journey on…

 

 

 

Blog, Family, Journey

It Has Been a Long Day

Day 73

This very long day is coming to a close. I am lacking in words of my own, so I share words that mean so much to me.

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

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blessings, Blog, friends, gardens, Holidays, Home, Journey

A Potpourri of Thoughts

Day 46

What a day. It has been a blessing from start to finish. All I have to share are lots of jumbled thoughts about various topics. No concise thinking here tonight.

Morning

IMG_7836When I woke up this morning I was worried about how the day was going to go. I woke up and my knees and my shins were killing me. I assume it was from my over-zealous walk yesterday. We started by going uphill and I was pushing it. So, this morning I paid the piper.

We had coffee and went for another walk. This time we chose the other direction which goes downhill with a more gradual incline on the return. As we walked back I couldn’t help but think how easy the walk looked to be, but it is a good healthy incline. The road home looked like it could have come out of a poem. It caused me to think about the journey I’ve been on and how much I still hope to do.

The good news is the walk helped with the pain. I think I’ve just been too sedentary too long. Time to kick it up a notch.

Preparations

IMG_7840As I mentioned, we will go get our Christmas tree on Friday. So, in preparation, I have been cleaning some and getting ready to make room for a tree and the accompanying decorations. I put together a small kitchen cart so I can move my mixer and food processor off the kitchen counter.  Nice to feel accomplished.

I fixed a nice fresh lunch — lettuce from our garden, avocado, cucumber, radishes, walnuts, and a balsamic reduction. I made the reduction myself and I cooked it a bit too long because it was too thick, but yummy just the same.

Surprises

IMG_7842Since technology has emerged, I get very little ‘real’ mail. Today hubby brought in a package from a dear, dear friend I met online. As a matter of fact, we have only met once in person. Inside this ‘snail mail’ package was the most beautiful hand-made journal, a beautiful handwritten letter and an assortment of wonderful bobs of inspiration. As I read the letter, tears streamed down my cheeks.

IMG_7843It is so touching to be thought of in this way. I treasure the journal and want to use it for something very special. Every time I touch it, I will think of my dear friend and her kindness in thinking of me.

Who said you cannot make ‘real’ friends online? Pish posh. The friends I have made in this way are some of the best and I will be forever grateful for the path that brought us together.

Now NaNoWriMo

It’s been a busy day so we will have leftover soup from last night and then I will retreat to work on my novel.

I feel blessed in SO many ways. Another good day on the books.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” 
Anais Nin