Remembering What We Want to Forget

Day 287

The last few days have been difficult. I have been deep in thought about my sister. Tomorrow is the anniversary of her death. Losing her was hard. She fought the good fight and I admired her strength so much.

Today I am remembering the events I wish I could forget. The experiences I shared with her that I have never shared with anyone. They were hard and I do not wish to put those memories in anyone else’s mind.

I wrote a blog after she was admitted to the hospital. She had a stroke which left it difficult for her to talk. I remember her trying to say something she could not get out, stumbling over every word. She finally took a breath and said one word crystal clear. “Shit.” That was just like her to express her displeasure so clearly.

She was so frustrated trying to talk. And I tried so hard to understand what she needed to say. I feel like we were both cheated out of those final conversations. But it was not meant to be.

There have been a lot of unexpected triggers over the last few days. I was not expecting them and I was not expecting this wash of grief. I have done well celebrating her life and remembering the fullness of her life in favor of the difficulty of her passing. But the universe had a different idea this year.

I wrote a blog about BJ when she went into the hospital. I posted it below if you care to read. I would not write another blog until the year came to a close.

My Heart is Breaking

I wanted to write this blog today because tomorrow, I want to tell you about my sister before the word cancer was always associated with the telling of her life. She was much more than that.